sophie's cloud

Good things are going to happen

it hurts  — May 13, 2017

it hurts 

Hey guys, long time no see. I know I haven’t been on here in a long time but I really need some help. 

I dunno if I mentioned about the boy in my last few posts but things have been so hard between us and it’s been really impacting everything in my life. We were very close when he was living in the same town but now that he has moved 5 hours away from me everything has seemed to change. He told me that he still wanted to be friends except it’s hurts the most that we are still sexually active together when he comes home. I know that I have to move on as he clearly has but it’s really hard when he still wants to be ‘friends with benefits’. I talk to him daily but I think that’s the problem. I’ve tried cutting him off multiple times as it’s just been so emotionally hard to be just friends when I have such strong feelings for him but it never seems to work and I just come running back. Every time. I feel like it’s just a circle that never ends but it’s really been affecting me. I don’t really know what to do anymore because I don’t want to loose him ever but it hurts so fucking much. and like I understand that we can’t be together as he’s 5 hours away but the fact that he still talks to me as if I’m the only one just fucks with my head. One minute I’m absolutely done with him and the next I’m head over heels in love. It’s fucked. 

Sophie’s Cloud xx

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Couldn’t be happier — December 8, 2016

Couldn’t be happier

Soo I know I haven’t posted on here in a while (again lol) but I have some big news. My braces are finally off after 2 long years!! I couldn’t be anymore happier with how they turned out so I’m gonna post a picture of them to show you guys. 

Although it was so good to get my braces off, they have been through hell and back with me. They’ve experienced the worst and the best yet I’m glad they are now apart of my past. 

Also, life’s been good. Really good. Although my and a few of my ‘friends’ had a falling out, I’m very glad those bad vibes are out of my life. I have an amazing boy in my life and some really good friends and family who support me with whatever decisions I make. I am very content at the moment and I hope it stays like this for a very long time.

Also, I don’t think I’ve ever posted a photo of myself before so this is me!! 

Sophie’s Cloud xx

Still here  — November 5, 2016

Still here 

Well, what do I say? 

I’m still here. 

Nope, I actually can’t believe it. I can not believe I survived. I survived depression.

6 months ago you may have read my last posted blog post and thought, fuck. She sounds like she’s not doing so well. And it was probably because that was true. I can not even comprehend how I felt in that time and it still scares me how low I got. But look, I made it.

I did go back to my therapist and I did get better. Although I felt as it could never get better and I was completely sure this was how I’d live my life forever, I got through it, as you always do. 

The last 6 months has been the most scariest yet greatest time of my life. I have matured incredibly during this time and I have learnt plenty of things. I’ve come to realise that everything does and always will get better. It just takes time. 

I feel as though things will only get better from here on out. My skin is starting to clear, my braces come off in 32 days, I have an amazing man who I’m with who cares and looks after me in every single way possible, I have great people around me and I feel content. Although I still get horrible days, just like every person on this earth. I’ve come to realise that it takes time, the bad day/s do always pass no matter what. Just please, please don’t give in. I can promise you right now that good things are coming, to everyone.

I know this is my first post in a very long time, I just wanted to share with you all how things are currently going and that I did make it through, I’m still here. 

right now you might be in a situation that you think you won’t survive in but six months ago you were in a situation that you didn’t think you’d survive and two years before that you were in a situation you didn’t think you’d survive and the point is you will always surprise yourself and you will always make it through, not matter what. 

Sophie’s Cloud xx 

This is harder than I ever imagined  — June 17, 2016

This is harder than I ever imagined 

Okay, I have never been this bad in my whole entire life. It’s worse, SO much worse and it’s killing me inside. Yesterday i got so overwhelmed with all of it I decided to go to my school wellbeing office and ask for help. I walked in balling my eyes out as I could not take it any longer. I need help, serious help. I then talked to my mum about all of this as she had no idea because I was to afraid to tell her incase I hurt her feelings. But she was amazing and I’m so grateful for my mum and what she does for me. I’ve taken some time off work also because my motivation at work had become extremely poor and I just had no energy.i hope I made a good choice making that decision I just feel like working right now is my least important worry.

 I used to get excited about the fact that I’m going to travel the world when I finish school but now I don’t see any future for me, nothing, it’s just black. And this makes me so sad because it used to excite me so much. I find happiness in nothing anymore, I wake up and it’s just like so incredibly hard to get myself up because I have nothing to look forward too. I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this but I really do not like this feeling. It just hurts everywhere. Help.

Sophie’s Cloud xx

I feel like giving up — June 12, 2016

I feel like giving up

I can’t even handle myself anymore. Everything is going downhill. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this but I’m mentally horrible at the moment. 

I’m constantly sad and just drowned in my own thoughts that are telling me I don’t need to be on this world anymore. I even have these thoughts when I’m with my friends or family. and I can’t deal with it anymore. I’m eating so much, my skin is bad, I constantly have headaches and everything is just so hard. 

I just hate the fact that I feel this way and I feel as though if I tell someone about these thoughts they will think that I’m looking for attention. I’m just so tired of everything. Nothing excites me anymore. Nothing. 

I feel like I’ve lost myself and I can’t get back. And I don’t want to try anymore because I constantly feel unwanted and annoying and I’m afraid that’s all I’ll ever be. 

 I don’t want to live like this 

Sophie’s cloud x

Sorry.. — May 31, 2016

Sorry..

I’m sorry about my last post. I was a complete mess. I’m still struggling alot and it honestly sucks.

So, a lot has happened over the last few months. I’ve honestly just become a mess. I’ve been drinking to try and forget about everything which I know, is horrible. And I’m not even legally aloud to drink. I’ve been having way to many thoughts about suicide which absolutely sucks because I hadn’t had any for over 8 months until now. I honestly just feel worthless. 

No one cares for me, no one really loves me. Every guy seriously just leaves me, everytime. I feel so unloved and unwanted all the time. As soon as I wake up in the morning I instantly get overwhelmed with not horrible thoughts, and I can’t get rid of them. I used to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. Now, I can’t even look in the mirror without feeling like shit because of the way I look. I hate this feeling. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m just so sick of everything turning to absolute shit. I really don’t think I deserve this. 

Even though my anxiety has gotten a little bit better, depression has lately been taking over my life. I just feel numb all the time. 

Thank you for your kind words in my last post, it meant a lot. I love you guys so much and I’m so grateful for this community. I just wish I could go back to being happy again. 

I’m sorry.

Sophie’s Cloud xx

. — May 28, 2016

.

So much has happened and I feel like absolute shit

I’m going back to my therapist after 8 months and I honestly feel like I’ve failed

I’ve gotten so much worse

I can’t do this anymore

I do not want to wake up 

Help me. Please 

I’m back  — April 5, 2016

I’m back 

Wow. I haven’t been on here for a while but I thought I should come back as I love this community so much and I’ve missed you all. 

Work has been absolutely wonderful and I’m still employed (can you believe that?!) haha and if you’ve read my last few posts then this will all make sense. Yes I did ask my manager for those days off and yes everything was fine. Of course I was worrying about stuff that I didn’t need to at all. I really enjoy working and have become really close with some of the other employees. Also it’s been AMAZING with my anxiety, i feel so much more confident talking to strangers and I actually enjoy customer service (I can’t believe i just said that) but I’m glad everything’s worked out with all that and that I enjoy working. 

Also I just finished my cruise a couple days ago and it was amazing. I went with my whole entire family and I’m so grateful for them, I seriously don’t know what I’d do without them. I also made some really great friends on the cruise! But I’m definitely glad to be home.

Now for the topic of boys. Fuck I know girls can be confusing but boys can be just as worse. There’s this guy, who lives in my town, and we have heaps of mutual friends, but we’ve never met. He’s really really nice and we’ve been talking for a while now but I’m so scared to meet up as sometimes I feel like he just wants to meet up for sex then sometimes I feel like he doesn’t just want that and I’m so confused. I don’t know what I want either, everything is just so confusing. 

I’ve also been feeling alone lately. Exspecially on the cruise when all the boys would be all over my older cousin (who is absolutely gorgeous) and I would feel like a worthless piece of shit. I know I shouldn’t be ‘chasing’ boys but sometimes it’s nice to feel like someone wants you and on the cruise I didn’t feel that one bit. 

I feel like my self esteem has just dropped so much too, I used to not really care what anyone thought of me but now it’s really getting to me and I’m so self conscious about the way i look. I really don’t like feeling this way, I just want to go back to before.

 If any of you have advice or just want to chat with me since I haven’t been on for ages then you’re totally welcome to. I’m so sorry for not being online at all but I’ll try my hardest to update more often.

Sophie’s Cloud xx 

Work & Stress — December 17, 2015

Work & Stress

Hi guys, I’m a lot better now than I was in my last post, but I’m still not feeling 100%. But I really need some advice on something.

So it’s my birthday in 8 days and I would really like to take work off that day but I’m extremely anxious to ask my boss for that day off as I’ve already had a few days off this month. I’ve been stressing about it for so long now and I’m just so worried that he’ll get annoyed at me or something. My anxiety is just making it so much worse and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been so emotional and down about this and I just want it to work out. If you have ANY advice to give me please please write to me because I’m really stressing out about this. 

Thank you guys for you’re lovely comments in my last post, they really mean a lot to me.

Sophie’s cloud xx

Worse  — December 15, 2015

Worse 

Hi guys, sorry I haven’t posted in a while but I thought I’d tell you guys what’s going on. 

I honestly thought I was getting so much better but I was wrong. I’ve been feeling extremely just down the last maybe 3 weeks and I feel horrible. I constantly feel like crying all day and I hate it so much. 

I don’t really know what to do anymore as I’ve quit seeing my therapist about a month ago because I honestly thought I was SO much better, but I’m even worse now and I don’t know what to do. Please help me. 

Sophie’s cloud xx